It’s that time of year again! The most thrilling, intense, and spectacular moment of an MLB season; the ride towards a World Series. This season held plenty of surprises, many of which are going to have a significant impact in this postseason. With the most unpredictable part of the baseball season finally beginning, I decided that to partake in the pointless act of making postseason predictions for every team. After all, anything can happen in the major league postseason, so what harm could possibly be done by making a prediction for each team?
AMERICAN LEAGUE
Boston Red Sox: The Red Sox Wear Astros Jerseys For Much of the Postseason
It’s the early morning of the day of the first ALCS game between the Boston Red Sox and Houston Astros. Having never pitched in the postseason before, an bewildered Red Sox ace Chris Sale walks into the ballpark a few hours before gametime. After being told he’s going to be starting a major league game which he didn’t expect to be happening or understand the purpose of, he decides to pull out his premium scissors and cut up every Boston jersey he can find, ranging from jerseys from those found in the clubhouse, to those found in the Sox team stores at Fenway, to those of people walking by Fenway Park in Red Sox gear.
Without any other options, the Red Sox and Astros reach an agreement where Boston can wear Houston’s home jerseys, in exchange for 25 of Boston’s apple watches. Although this deal looks bad for the Red Sox on the surface, it does come with an unexpected benefit. David Price — who’s notorious for postseason struggles — surprises everyone by having the best postseason of his career, after he was inspired to dominate in the Astros jerseys in order to make his dog named Astro proud.
Cleveland Indians: Trevor Bauer Slices His Finger Again
Last postseason, Trevor Bauer had the misfortune of slicing his hand while repairing his drone during the postseason. The injury suffered eventually resulted in Bauer managing just 0.2 innings in his lone ALCS start last postseason. However, there are reports that Bauer’s drone has been stolen just before this postseason. As a result of this, I expect the Indians righty will attempt to retaliate against his teammates who likely stole his personal property by slicing his finger once again.
It’s difficult to imagine just how this would actually occur, however I suspect that Bauer will chose to cut his finger on a coat hanger while putting on his jersey before his first postseason start. This would make sense, as doing so would provide his club with very little time to come up with a backup solution, and would act as an intelligent act of revenge against those who stole his drone.
(Also, if by some miracle Trevor Bauer actually sees this, I politely ask you to please unblock @BoBichette on twitter, thanks!)
Houston Astros: A Live Peacock Makes An Pitching Appearance
Astros pitchers pitcher Brad Peacock has quietly had a very good season, with an ERA of 3.00 in 132 innings over the regular season. However, should something unfortunate happen to him at some point during this postseason, the Astros will face potentially devastating prospects of using someone like Mike Fiers and his 5.22 ERA. In a surprising twist, the Astros decide that there’s more potential upside in using a real live peacock as a pitcher at some point this postseason.
On the surface this actually sounds rather smart, considering that an actual Peacock would surely allow for more intrigue and a subsequent increase in Astros ticket prices this postseason. In addition, it’s hard to imagine anyone managing to actually be worse than Mike Fiers, so with nothing to lose, the decision to have use a peacock instead of a mediocre righty makes sense.
Minnesota Twins: Bartolo Colon Sits On Aaron Judge
Among the many threats the Twins are going to face in this years AL Wild Card game is Yankees MVP candidate Aaron Judge. In effort to limit his production, the Twins will likely employ an unprecedented tactic, which could prevent Judge from performing to the full extent of his abilities.
I predict the Twins will intentionally start a bench clearing brawl early in the game, during which the 285 pound Bartolo Colon will engage the Yankees right fielder. Though this may sound like a difficult proposition (given that Judge himself is 282 pounds), his tendency to swing and miss frequently and his additional height should make him susceptible to attacks from the shorter Colon, which should make this tactic more plausible and would certainly be damaging to the Yankees chances of winning the Wild Card Game.
New York Yankees: The Ninja Turtles Make The Playoff Roster
Lets face it, the odds that the Yankees are actually going to use everyone on a 25 man roster in a single playoff game are kind of low. This means that the Yankees can afford to carry some rather unexpected players on their wild card game roster. Since there’s no need to carry an entire starting rotation, the evil empire will decide to allow a couple of ninja turtles — who have a history with the organization — to make the wild card game roster.
The ninja turtles won a contest from HBO’s John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight, in 2016, which allowed them to sit in the most premium Yankees seats, embarrassing much of the Yankees organization. However, the bronx bombers will allow this unique duo to participate in the Wild Card game in exchange for a ceremonial post game burning of their costumes, subsequently preventing the ninja turtles from sitting in their most prized seating locations and saving their richest fans from the embarrassment that resulted.
NATIONAL LEAGUE
Arizona Diamondbacks: The D’Backs Reveal an Exclusive and Even Uglier Postseason Jersey
Having made the postseason for the first time since 2011, the Arizona Diamondbacks decide to mark this occasion by revealing an even uglier version of their already unbearable regular season jerseys. This new jersey will likely feature both orange and pink highlights with the hopes of on field benefits, as their opponents should be distracted by the jerseys horrendous look.
However, the new look jerseys are so hideous that major league baseball mandates the Diamondbacks to get rid of this new jersey permanently. This causes tension between Arizona and commissioner Rob Manfred, as the Diamondbacks hoped to gain revenue from selling an additional jersey to help pay Zack Greinke’s massive contract. In the end however, the jerseys eventually disappear, even though their disastrous legacy has already been recorded.
Chicago Cubs: John Lackey Rants About Angel Hernandez
Cubs pitcher John Lackey has something of a reputation for continuously arguing with umpires, and I expect this trend to continue this postseason. After a manager’s challenge doesn’t go the Cubs way, a frustrated Lackey decides to go on a post game rant about what he consideres to be the abysmal quality of MLB’s umpires.
This rant features Kinsler-esque words about notoriously bad umpire Angel Hernandez, whom Lackey decided to aggressively complain about despite the fact that Hernandez was not even umpiring the game. This results in a serious fine for Lackey. More consequently however, MLB decides to get it’s revenge on Lackey by allowing Angel Hernandez to actually umpire a Cubs NLDS game. In the end, a blown call from Hernandez eventually results in one teams undeserved series victory.
Colorado Rockies: Rockies Players Play The Wild Card Game on a Trampoline
Disappointed by the fact that they can’t play in the extremely hitter-friendly trampoline that is Coors Field for the NL wild card game, the Colorado Rockies decide to protest by having their players take all their plate appearances from a trampoline instead of from a traditional batters box. The Rockies believe that this supposed advantage should increase the power hitting abilities of an already potent lineup that features the likes of MVP candidates Charlie Blackmon and Nolan Arenado.
Unfortunately for the Rockies, this tactic doesn’t work nearly as well as anticipated, as their ability to hit pitches at the bottom of the strike zone is severely limited by the fact they’re constantly jumping in the air. This decision is also extremely unentertaining, as the anticipated slugfest is instead met with an uneventful pitchers dual. As a result, the Rockies abandon this tactic in the middle innings, although it likely turns out that the damage has already been done.
LA Dodgers: Madison Bumgarner Pitches for Clayton Kershaw
Clayton Kershaw has a reputation for struggling in the postseason. Aware of this fact, Kershaw convinces postseason ace Madison Bumgarner to pitch for him in the postseason, with the hopes of improving on his postseason record. To the surprise of the majority of the baseball community, “Kershaw” dominates, and leads the Dodgers to a somewhat surprising game 1 NLCS victory.
Although little suspicion was raised at the time, “Kershaw” is seen afterwards leaving the game on a dirt bike. This is significant after Bumgarner suffered a serious injury this season by foolishly crashing his dirt bike during the regular season. This awakens everyone to the fact that the supposed Dodgers starter was actually former World Series MVP Madison Bumgarner. The Dodgers are forced to forfeit the game, and eventually choke away another playoff appearance.
Washington Nationals: Jonathan Papelbon Punches Bryce Harper
Remember in late 2015 when Jonathan Papelbon decided to attack Nationals star Bryce Harper for not running out a routine flyball? This incident eventually played a somewhat significant role in Papelbon being cut by the Nationals the following season, and I suspect that another similar incident could occur as an act of revenge from the former closer.
Late in a Nationals home playoff game, a disguised and disgusted Papelbon is sitting at field level down the first base line, when he decides to streak at Harper for not running quickly enough after a routine fly ball. Papelbon eventually throws punches at the NL MVP for (at least) the second time in his career. This will result in Papelbon being bombarded by several Nationals players and security, eventually resulting in ejection and lifetime ban from Nationals Park for the once dominant closer. However, this incident has little impact on Harper, who goes on to have a spectacular postseason as a statement to his ex-teammate Papelbon.
Regardless of whether or not these predictions, the only thing we can really hope for is another spectacular and dramatic MLB postseason. All 30 teams play with the goal of coming out on top in October, and this spectacular act will come trough for one team once again. Whether your favourite team’s still in the running for a ring or out of this postseason, a exciting postseason is something which we can all enjoy.
